| wishing for subtitles ... |
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| 10:08pm 24/04/2004 |
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mood:  blank music: Vast - Pretty When You Cry
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I've been dreaming in Japanese ...
It's been a while since I've written here. It's been a while since I've written my thoughts, period. Or even looked at them.
Odd feeling when you realize you're a stranger inside your own head. Odder yet when you realize it might be better that way.
... empty words to fill the silence. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| rambling relentlessly ... |
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| 02:59am 17/02/2004 |
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mood:  mellow music: Moonlight Sonata
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It's storming here, and it's beyond beautiful. Despite the fact that I'm just barely getting over various illnesses, I have this overwhelming urge to run outside and spin around in the undoubtedly frigid rain. I never did have enough common sense to blow out a candle in a gas leak ...
In spite of that less than sensible inclination, however, I am not looking forward to the fact that I am going to have to walk in and out of that same rain for hours tomorrow at school ... peculiar, ne?
My weekend was really quite lovely. I spent Valentine's Day with a bottle of my (relatively) new addiction, Yellowtail Shiraz, and a few close friends. There was much relaxing, some intelligent conversation, and a general preparing for the next stretch of school with no break in sight ... as I said, lovely.
I've also managed to get some writing done ... not unusual, though with my record lately, this is actually an occasion of significant joy and celebration ... well, it will be if I can still stand to read it in the morning.
... and that's all for the ten second update ...
Oyasumi nasai. |
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| 08:10pm 30/11/2003 |
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(side note: pomegranate juice looks almost uncannily like blood ... especially when it's splattered across the desk ... and books ... and mirror ... )
Oops. |
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| no comment ... |
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| 10:21pm 29/11/2003 |
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mood:  indescribable music: "Where Is The Love?" by Black Eyed Peas
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Umm ... this is ... strangely ...
... yeah ...
( S*P Quiz ) |
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| Warning: Rant ahead. Caution: Watch for random gouts of flame and/or vitriol |
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| 11:10pm 22/10/2003 |
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mood:  bitchy music: Godsmack - Awake
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Pet Peeve #15,247.6: People who expect the world to revolve around them.
I'm not just talking about the normal, run of the mill egocentrism - that's to be expected, and I actually think it's healthy. I'm not even talking about people who walk around with their heads in their own personal pipe-dream worlds, living some fantasy that only exists to them with no bearing whatsoever on reality. Call me egocentric (we've already established I won't be offended) but as long as it doesn't affect me, it's not my problem. No. My issue is with those people who have decided, through some exercise of convoluted logic, that the rest of the world should march to the step of what they think should happen. So they want something, and they want it now - regardless of what you might be doing, whether you have time or a previous engagement, hell, if you want to ... if it doesn't fit with their personal schema of the universe, it can go to the seventh level of hell and stay there. And burn. (Or freeze, depending on your definition.) Same to you if you don't happen to agree - after all, that doesn't fit either, now does it?
You can probably imagine where I tell them to shove it - not that it helps, of course. Then I just become a minor irritant in their glowing delusion of the world that they can either find some way to resolve, or extract and discard. If I give them the chance to choose ...
Well, you can imagine how often that happens. As in, not very.
I'm just too aggravated for this right now ... the music's probably not helping with that but I can't bring myself to care ... |
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| There is nothing in this world to believe in ... |
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| 09:53pm 10/10/2003 |
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mood:  pensive
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There are times when I awaken come evening, look up from a book, or a thought, aware suddenly of the perfect stillness surrounding me, positive that I am the only person in an echoingly empty world. There is no sound to break the silence, no footstep or car or passing bird, nor even the sound of my own breath or heartbeat, as though I had, all unknowingly, pressed the mute button on the universe. At times I lie still, feeling my mind expand to encompass this strange new theory of solitude; other times I speak, my voice harsh and awkward against the stillness, trying unsuccessfully to break the strange, heavy silence. It encompasses me, and I am pulled away into this abyss until nothing reaches me, nothing touches me ... sounds, voices drift by me from an unassailable distance, but in my world, there is ... nothing.
Not even ... me ... |
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| look at all the pretty words ... |
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| 04:07am 09/10/2003 |
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mood:  accomplished music: static silence
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Well there it goes ... I can dust off my hands and stumble off to bed for ... an hour and a half. All finished, and it only took me ... oh ...
Well, it's all done, anyway. At this point I'll probably veto bed and head straight for the shower ... no point sleeping anyway ...
I've really, really got to learn to stop with the procrastinating ... so very much a bad habit ... |
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| Have you thought about sex today? No, I'm serious ... |
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| 07:32pm 26/09/2003 |
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mood: calm to irate to spinning dizzy glee to scattered ... music: Poe - Not a Virgin
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School is Life. Life is School. It should be a mantra, I swear. Hell, it is my mantra. I mean, I can't think of anything I've done in the past weeks other than go to school, get home and do homework for school, hang out with my friends and talk about school, go on vacation and think about school, fall asleep and dream about school ... then I'm back in school fantasizing about getting a life, already ...
So I might be exaggerating the slightest bit, but there does seem to be this overwhelming underlying theme to my life, lately ... any guesses what that might be?
Not that I'm complaining. I'm loving every evil, neurotic, hectic, stress filled second of it. I've got issues. Surprised?
I really do have issues, though. Dozens of them. Hundreds even. Probably more, but I can't count that high ... well, not at the moment, with my brain as fried as it is, and all ...
And rants. Rants on top of rants with more rants pouring out of the great void that is my mind ...
( rant ... about sex ... no, not whatever you're thinking ... )
*sighs* sometimes, I am just too neurotic to be believed ... not to mention obsessive ...
Actually, that sounds about right ... let's just not mention obsessive.
So there's an anime convention in three weeks, and I'm already having spinning dizzy glee fits over it ... in an exceptionally reserved and dignified manner, of course. *grins* I can't wait ... I mean, I honestly can't wait, I'm sitting on the edge of my seat ready to leave now. I've been threatened with being tied down, literally. In a bad way. If I keep bouncing. The way I am now ...
Good thing no one's here.
Oooh, I love this song ... and there's the doorbell ... and how long have I been writing this?
Well ... gee ... I really do need a life ... I think I'll go get me one of them, now ...
*waves and bounces off* |
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| 12:29am 15/09/2003 |
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mood:  sleepy
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I'm so tired my eyes are burning, and I'm still reading ... not that I'm complaining, of course. The Prince is more than worth any possible resulting eye strain, though sometimes I wonder about how into the book I get every time I read it ...
*yawns*
now I'm off to bed, hopefully ... possibly to dream of hiragana, again (my teacher did warn us) ... or maybe of power hungry dictators ... or ... power hungry hiragana?
*blinks* okay, yeah ... definitely off to bed now ... |
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| 08:49am 18/08/2003 |
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(warning: this is pure, shameless solicitation of your (hard earned?) time and good wishes ... dispose of as you see fit)
*deep breath*
well ... wish me luck everybody ... school starts today, and so begins my spiraling descent into madness ... |
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| 09:25pm 15/08/2003 |
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mood: mellow music: Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
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*deep sigh*
well, everything's peachy again ... or I should say finally, because again implies that it was originally ... but anyway ... I've got some amazing won ton soup (bliss), and I got four new pairs of sunglasses ... honestly, I think I'm addicted ...
*grins* well, there are worse addictions ... my anime, for example ...
ahem. anyhow ... in other news, I've got my house back, more or less ... for a week or so, at least, until the next installment arrives ... but, as one wise advisor ... umm ... advised, I'm going to look for that silver lining as often as possible ... after all, it's got to be worth something ...
*grins*
and now I'm off to putter aimlessly around the net ... maybe catch up on my email ...
*shudders fearfully* then again, maybe not ... |
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| 06:36pm 15/08/2003 |
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Feeling generally aggravated, though at least I have space to breathe (for a week or so, at least ...)
*sighs*
And now I'm off to the post office ... hope I get there in time ... |
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| 05:33pm 13/08/2003 |
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mood:  frustrated music: Prodigy - Breathe
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*sighs* family people are driving me crazy ... the regulars as well as the visitors. I never realized that I could feel so claustrophobic in my own house, but now I can barely walk into a room without wanting to scream, sometimes. I've actually been driven to such small pathetic rages as hitting walls in a stunning dearth of self control that leaves me speechless ... and to add insult to injury (does anyone even say that anymore?) I don't even own the nights anymore, as my uncle is apparently as insomniac as I am.
I could just scream, really I could. Honestly, if I didn't adore them so, it would be beyond intolerable. As it is ... I just go away. A lot.
And to top everything off, school starts next week ... the trepidation in regards to that is more than enough to drive me over the edge. Into the deep end. With a toaster.
Like I said, I could just scream. In fact, I think I'll go do that. Now. |
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| 04:16am 01/08/2003 |
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mood:  content music: Malice Mizer medly in my mind (I love alliteration)
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I've got Malice Mizer running endlessly in the front of the back of my mind ... (did that make sense?) Not any song in particular, really ... more like a mesh of all of the ones I was listening to last night and this morning. It's not so much irritating as ... pervasive. Yeah, that's the word ...
At this exact moment I'm eating lemon sorbet out of half a lemon, listening to the music in my mind, and writing. Perfection, plain and simple. |
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| "Couldn't that nihilistic jerk have picked a better location?" (this quote just tickles me pink...) |
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| 06:41am 28/07/2003 |
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mood:  awake music: opening theme to Kenshin in my head ... can't remember the title for the life of me ...
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yet another night of insomniac bliss ... I really should be used to this by now, though with my luck, I'll start crashing right about when school starts ...
school ... why did I have to think of school? I have this sudden overwhelming urge to go to the nearest convenient wall and introduce it to my head ... repeatedly ...
oh, the varied and wonderful thoughts that come with hours and hours and hours upon end with no sleep and entirely too many books to be healthy crammed in ... I honestly think that if I stayed up for another 72 hours without sleeping, reading as avidly as I have been, I'd probably have the plans for an entire novel in my head ...
that, or total world domination ...
yes, I am a card-carrying member of megalomaniac's anonymous ... what tipped you off?
I think the poetry's the best though. I mean, aside from the 5 or so novels I'm reading (at once) ... there's really nothing better than flipping through random poems for an hour ... or two ... or ... gee, where did the time go? I really do adore these days, as rare as they are ... I can't remember the last time I had the time and the inclination (at the same time) to just kill an entire day reveling in words ...
hey, look. the sun. again.
I think I'll go for a walk. Then maybe I'll get back to Caress of Twilight ... and Good Omens ... and Neverwhere ... and - you get the point ...
( Quote-like ... ten brownie points if you can tell me where it's from )
couldn't resist that ... okay, now I'm really going ...
au revoir! |
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| 10:03pm 26/07/2003 |
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mood: frustrated
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I HATE cliffhangers. |
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| 04:05am 26/07/2003 |
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mood:  aggravated
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I'm writing again ... have been for hours now, and I feel like I'm going insane. Admittedly, I knew that words had life of their own, but I never attributed them with such traits as pure, pig-headed stubbornness ...
*sighs*
Yes, that's right. I'm blaming the words ... it's not that I simply can't write ... Oh, very well ... I'm off to bang my head against the wall some more (Free! Easy! Good clean fun for the whole family! Try it today!)
I really am losing it ... I can't even angst right ... (yes, I know ... correctly ... I wasn't going to correct myself, but ...)
Okay, okay, I'm going already ...
*waves distractedly and wanders off* |
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| school daze ... |
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| 03:39pm 16/07/2003 |
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mood:  intimidated
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hmm ... after giving it much thought, I am filled with a strange trepidation ... I'm positive this semester is going to kick my @$$ ...
and yet ... strangely enough, I'm looking forward to it ...
*sighs*
I really am a dork ... |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| short and bittersweet ... |
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| 09:29pm 12/07/2003 |
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mood:  contemplative music: evanescence - whisper
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Sometimes it amazes me how much even the smallest human interactions tie me to the world ... how, even as disenchanted as I have found myself becoming with people both general and specific, one small reminder of a welcome connection can draw me back, reunite me with the world ...
*sighs* some days, I think I'm on my way to becoming a sociopath ... other days, I think I'm already here ... |
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| not quite an entry ... more like a gesture ... |
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| 03:05am 08/07/2003 |
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mood: sleepy music: Poe - Hey Pretty
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*yawns*
yes ... I'm actually sleepy for once ... though I think I must make an effort to update this in some form or fashion before I lose all motivation to do so (to all two of you who have missed me in my absence - I'm here, I exist ...)
anyhow, I thought I'd start this with a small bit of serendipity ... I'm slowly working my way through a random playlist, and the opening line of a song (see current music *grins*) catches my attention -
"Well it's three a.m./I'm out here riding again/through the wicked winding streets of my world ..."
- and while I'm absentmindly (not to mention tunelessly) singing along, I glance at the clock, and wouldn't you know, it is indeed three a.m. ...
and that is what inspired me to update my journal.
Okay, perhaps that had nothing to do with anything ... *grins* random pointlessness seems to be the flavor of the evening for me ...
(warning: abrupt non-topic change ahead)
I love Eddie Izzard. Honestly. I think I'd be in love with him if he didn't apply makeup better than I do (well, I don't wear makeup ... that counts, right?)
Anyway, I came to this conclusion quite recently, when a dear, sweet, wonderful, beloved friend directed my attention to a DVD (which I must own) titled "Dress to Kill". I honestly think it would have been worth watching the whole thing just for the bit on flags, but the rest of it is just as good ...
*yawns again*
excuse me, didn't mean to yawn in your face ... I think it's time for me to be off to bed, or something along those lines ... sleep, I've been told, is a good thing ... I'm still formulating an opinion ...
(I promise, if I update anytime soon, there will be something resembling substance ... hopefully ...)
*waves sleepily and wanders off to bed ...* |
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final_desire's journal